upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
