If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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