Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
