i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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