my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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