Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
