I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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