I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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