Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
