some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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