He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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