Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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