my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
