I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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