I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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