I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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