Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
