my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
