I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
