She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Couch. On fire.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
