Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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