The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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