I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i will never coherently bang her
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
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he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my shit smells like andre
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
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I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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