Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
