I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
