This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
