Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I skipped work to stalk him.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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