there's paper in my vomit.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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