im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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