I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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