so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
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i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
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How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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