Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
