your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
