It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
