Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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