When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
drinking out of a sandbucket again
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize