New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
