Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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