I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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