If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
be right there i have to get my cape
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
