did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
