I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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