Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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