I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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