We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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