yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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