I'm gonna have a badass scar
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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