Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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