wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
