Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
