I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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