Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
