I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
