The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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