Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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