i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
