Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
