Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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