I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
